Meet Katie! She is a funny, sex-positive woman who reportedly has a career! Something in marketing, we guess!
“I was hoping to give you the torch! Knowing the fantasy suite is so far away! I may need it a little longer! ”
Katie has not had time to find love … until the Bachelor Cinematic Universe intervened.
“She had a vibrator and people remembered her name! Frankly speaking! That’s all we can hope for! Plus, Michelle is not available until, as of late July. ”
So now, just when she thought she would never find love … 30 hot guys found her!
“I’m Greg!” “I’m Justin!” “I’m Andrew!” “I’m Brendan and I’m still here for some reason!”
Sometimes all it takes is a little help from her good friends and a resort in the New Mexico desert for a girl to finally fall in love.
“Lord, this is the last rose tonight. And Katie, just a quick reminder: Fuck Nick Viall. ”
But sometimes it can be hard to find one.
“I’m being demonized !!”
From the people who brought you Bachelor Winter Games and the people who refuse to bring back Bachelor Winter Games.
COMES TO A PLACE ON THE HOLY TIMELINE:
“They call me Cuddle Queen!”
Something I’ve been thinking in my head and saying on podcasts is that Bachelor Cinematic Universe has not been able to tell a sweet, sweet love story in one long time. Either because they thought the season’s drama would be more interesting than the love story told at the center, or that there was some post-season drama between the lead and their number one choice to be addressed on the After the Final Rose special . Think about it. In no particular order: Rachel Lindsay is painted as an emotionless black woman by her “After the Final Rose”; Becca will have to turn to Garrett, who likes anti-immigrant posts on Instagram Pilot Pete runs through a series of women during and after his finale; Aries unedited breakup with Becca; a car spokesman and LinkedIn personality tells us that as long as racism has not reached the heart, it is not that bad. Should I continue?
But now … now … It feels like the show has the opportunity to tell a funny, sweet love story, and how do they do that shit? With the most powerful film language in human history: the fucking rom-com.
Give me it all. Give me the kisses in the rain. Give me a run down the aisle because you just can not let him go. Give me to break up with the guy who is good but boring for something more exciting. Give me a few quirky best friends who just show up to give advice.
Now I’m just going to this season hand in. Get caught in an elevator. Drive through the airport. Stand up and resist at a wedding. Play “This Will Be” by Miss Natalie Cole non-stop until our ears bleed.
Let’s get into it.
The competitions are at the resort and they are retiring from the last eliminations. Oh, you sweet children. You do not know what awaits you. This week is huge because it’s the last week before hometowns and we’re already here? Without an international trip or a pair filled two-on-one, it is difficult to measure the passage of time. Two guys have not had a one-on-one date yet, so … they’re coming home sometime soon, but they’re holding out hope. Until the first date card arrives.
Greg is heading into his second one-on-one with Katie and must carefully moderate all of his emotions so as not to disturb Mike P. or Brendan. Greg and Katie’s date is a Potemkin version of Seattle. A few fruit stands and some whole fish should represent Pikes Place Market? We will also mention Pikes Place Market without mentioning the famous Real World Seattle opening credits where a fish is thrown only to reveal the words REAL WORLD SEATTLE written on it? Well, Katie and Greg try their hand at fishing, and Greg manages to break every glimpse that hangs over the “market”. Katie also eats an oyster that has been sitting in the sun and gagging. Romance!
During the evening part of the date, Katie asks Greg if he will be able to make it through the rest of this process because he looks scared and confused most of the time. Greg reveals that he was pretty short and thin, so he was bullied and always has insecurity with him. And after his father died, he has not failed anyone. He tells her that he’s excited about his family meeting the woman he’s in love with, and Katie says she feels this gravity is pulling them together. It may just be the centripetal force when they shoot fish and football at each other, but they FEEL. EVERY. OTHER THINGS. Katie asks him about the first rose she gave him and talks about how he still amazes her and she wants to meet her mother. This is good mom conversation on a date. Remember this later. Greg gets the rose and they go out and find out in a manufactured rainstorm. Katie shouts “THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF OUR JOURNEY!” This is wild, uninhibited rom-com energy, and all Greg has to do is not fuck it up.
It’s time for the next date card to arrive and Justin, Andrew, Blake, Michael A. and Brendan will find out that there is an art to love. Brendan sprouts immediately. Why is he still here? Why did he not get one-on-one? Can anyone literally tell us a fact about him? Is he best friends with Blake, but we have not heard of it on camera at all? Mike P. gets a one-on-one, and Brendan loses it. He goes over to Katie’s suite and puts on his finest chapstick. He gets a smooch or some reassurance if it kills him.
Katie opens the door and is positively shocked to see a man whose name she is 86 percent sure of. Brendan puts forward her case that if she thinks about how far they have come with only group dates and cocktail parties, then think about what they could do if they were able to spend the whole day together. He has so much to offer. Oh, buddy. Once you start saying, “I have so much to offer,” it’s no longer a relationship, it’s a job interview, and no one will fuck applicant # 426. Katie realizes what to do and says that if he feels like this, they may not have enough time to get where she would be comfortable meeting her family. HARD CUT to Brendan pulls one suitcase down the aisle. (Is it just me, or was editing this episode … a little inelegant?) Brendan says goodbye to his dear friend Blake, and Blake has to give the news to the rest of the guys the next morning.
It’s time for group date! First, the competitions stare at some very vulgar flower paintings, and then they are tasked with creating some art that represents their love for Katie. Blake is immediately like: “How can I make the most disgusting, graphic work of art that ABC will have to wipe out in its entirety? This is what I do. This is my mission. Sensual is equal to graphic tempera paint p-in-v. Andrew draws a pretty cute picture of someone eating sushi as he and Katie are cooking together. Michael A. sculptes an ass. Justin paints a few flowers as it is as far as he got in the YouTube painting tutorial, and then some Blair Witch-Tensioned stick figures. No winner. The images need to be burned so that they do not call juicy, muscular asses and formal stick figures without heads.
The pressure is on for the night part of the date. Blake decides to take the opportunity to tell Katie that his family would love her, but he is not in love yet. Blake, what the hell? If you cannot use one of the 12 listed “Falling for you” phrases, do not say anything at all. Justin paints her a large picture of flowers and butterflies that looks like it would be in the liberation section of a Homegoods. But not one of the good Homegoods. Like and at Homegoods. No dishes or accent lamps are served, only argan oil and shower curtains. Katie loves that she can feel around Justin, and he says, “I love it about us.” Justin moves fast.
Katie sits down with Michael A. and says that his life and his family include James and Laura, and she wants to help with the juice boxes, and the life she imagines with James is a dream for her. FUCK. I’m crying. Katie says the only thing they have to do is let love guide them and everything else falls into place. Well … there may be a need for a little more planning. Andrew starts his time with Katie by saying that “every athlete dies twice”, as if it’s a chill, normal thing to say, and tells her that if she wanted him for it, he would stop playing . Katie is the most relaxed girl in the real world and says that no matter what they plan to do together, her job is to encourage him and find out. Katie is the ultimate Cool Girl and I’m starting to see the appeal. Andrew recreates their one-on-one and tells her that he falls for her.
It’s time for the group date rose, and Katie gives each man a compliment sandwich and gives the rose to Michael A.
It’s time for Mike P’s one-on-one date. Honestly, we all knew the writing was on the wall before this nonsense even started. “Let’s put the virgin on the date that requires subtle navigation in body language and sexual chemistry.” They are greeted by the lady who lives in the woods. They head out into the woods, dressed in all-white and forced to cuddle with each other, and this man does not stop raising his mother. As I understand it, you want a partner who has some of the qualities you admire in your parents, but you do not whisper it in her ear while you happened. We also need a deeper examination of Mike P’s virginity, because he goes on to say that his promise to wait is there to “protect him”, and he would be out there “humping everything” if he were not Virgin. . You can and should bump a bunch of people, but you probably should not attribute a belief system that tells you that there is something scary out there when it comes to sex and intimacy and makes you believe that without it you would be a sex-crazy monster. Katie finally puts Mike P. down and tells him she does not just feel it. It’s time to dump her and move on. Again, Blake called it that when he said, “Mike P. is after a book, and Katie is not after a book.” I only need one of these guys to get an aphorism quite right at the end of the season. Please.
It’s time for the rose ceremony. No cocktail party. Let’s do this shit. Blake and Justin get the last two roses of the week. What a fucking twist! I got Andrew to go all the way to the top three and it looks like Katie did too! Katie walks him out and cries positively about how he deserves love and connection and she is so glad they met. Andrew cries in the limousine as Katie crashes to the ground to her producers. What if she made a mistake!
The next morning, Andrew does not make it any easier when she shows up at her door to … make sure she smiles when he leaves this time? Hey. I hate it a little. Just let her go. Let it all go. Everyone, you need to move on. It’s a game show. They sit together and go over how difficult the rose ceremony was, and Katie tells him she wasn’t quite sure of her decision, and Andrew sends her a note. When I saw that man pull it out of his pocket … it’s fucking rom-com time.
The note says, “If you change your mind, I’m waiting …” with a smiling face. The other thing about rom-coms? They have absolutely no sense of boundaries. This is a WILD thing to give to someone in the real world. If you’m Patrick Dempsey and the woman you love decided to be with the man her father wants her to marry, and that’s 19th century Kansas? Go for it. Katie sprints down the hall and screams Andrew’s name and jumps into his arms when she finds him. She asks him if even a part of him wants to come back. Come back. Andrew … came back. Andrew tells her he can not do it. Wait … what the hell?!?!? Do not give the note if you are not willing to follow up! It would be like in The notebook, Ryan Gosling wrote “psyche!” at the bottom of all his letters! Katie gets the closure she needs from Andrew’s kiss, and she’s one step closer to finding her husband.